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Kenneth John Odle 2024-07-21 18:38:57 -04:00
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@ -336,53 +336,43 @@ I am in a very different place now than I ever thought I would be. I'm not on Pl
So where am I? So where am I?
I work as a data reviewer for a contract research organization in the pharmaceutical industry. That means that drug companies send us samples of their products, and we test them for things like assay, impurities, appearance, disintegration, etc. People who majored in chemistry run the tests and I sit there and look at their procedures and results and make sure that everything was performed correctly and that the results are, indeed, valid. I work as a data reviewer for a contract research organization in the pharmaceutical industry. That means that drug companies send us samples of their products, and we test them for things like assay, impurities, appearance, disintegration, etc. People who majored in chemistry run the tests and I sit there and look at their procedures and results and make sure that everything was performed correctly, that the math is correct, and that the results are, indeed, valid.
In theory, I'm an analytical chemist. In practice, I'm a nerdy science accountant who spends his day with his nose buried in Excel spreadsheets. A \textit{lot} of Excel spreadsheets. In theory, I'm an analytical chemist. In practice, I'm a nerdy science accountant who spends the day with his nose buried in Excel spreadsheets. A \textit{lot} of Excel spreadsheets.
Except that I also used to design websites, so my spreadsheets are easy on the eyes, color-coded, and logically oriented—that is, they take you through the analytical method in a step-wise, chronological manner. In other words, we look at standard concentrations first, and then our system suitability tests, and then the actual tests. Every cell is also labeled, so it's clear what goes where.\footnote{For a visual depiction, see \kref{https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IFUYg9IUgI}{https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IFUYg9IUgI}.} My boss admires them and I am justifiably proud of them. After all, these aren't just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill spreadsheets we're talking about here. Except that I also used to design websites, so my spreadsheets are easy on the eyes, color-coded, and logically oriented—that is, they take you through the analytical method in a step-wise, chronological manner. In other words, we look at standard concentrations first, and then our system suitability tests, and then the actual tests. Every cell is also labeled, so it's clear what goes where.\footnote{For a visual depiction, see \kref{https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IFUYg9IUgI}{https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IFUYg9IUgI}.} My boss admires them and I am justifiably proud of them. After all, these aren't just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill spreadsheets we're talking about here.
My spreadsheets are so beautiful that when my boss got a glimpse of them he immediately placed me in charge of mentoring new data reviewers, mostly so that they could see what my spreadsheets look like. And I get it. I worked really hard to make spreadsheets that are understandable not just to me but everybody because we may have a corrective action come up at some point and we need to be sable to see how we arrived at the results that have. So yep, I strive to make all my spreadsheets consistent and understandable to someone who has no familiarity with them. My spreadsheets are so beautiful that when my boss got a glimpse of them he immediately placed me in charge of mentoring new data reviewers, mostly so that they could see what my spreadsheets look like. And I get it. I worked really hard to make spreadsheets that are understandable not just to me but to everybody because we may have a corrective action come up at some point and we need to be sable to see how we arrived at the results that have. So yep, I strive to make all my spreadsheets consistent and understandable to someone who has no familiarity with them.
\medskip \fbox{\texttt{tl;dr:} I'm \textit{really} good with Microsoft Excel. }
\texttt{tl;dr:} I'm \textit{really} good with Microsoft Excel.
\medskip
But it's not satisfying work. It pays the bills\footnote{Well, barely, after the recent fit of massive corporate price gouging—I mean, er…inflation.} It's not exactly the hind end of science, but it's close. (I once worked in a lab that did non-clinical testing\footnote{i.e., rats and mice} and believe me, \textit{that} is the hind end of science.\footnote{Science actually has many hind-ends. This is but one of them.}) I'm not really doing science; if anything I'm just a science accountant, making sure the books balance. It's boring—\textit{really }boring—and more than a bit mind-numbing. But it's not satisfying work. It pays the bills.\footnote{Well, barely (and by the time you're reading this, probably not actually), after the recent fit of massive corporate price gouging—I mean, er…inflation.} It's not exactly the hind end of science, but it's close. (I once worked in a lab that did non-clinical testing\footnote{That is, rats and mice. Lots and lots of rats and mice.} and believe me, \textit{that} is the hind end of science.\footnote{Science actually has many hind-ends. This is but one of them.}) I'm not really doing science; if anything I'm just a science accountant, making sure the books balance. It's boring—\textit{really }boring—and more than a bit mind-numbing.
Considering that my entire job exists to help keep the drug supply safe (well, the \textit{legal} drug supply anyway) that statement may sound frightening or even disturbing. But it's not really. You want this job to be boring. When it's not boring, it's generally because something has gone wrong, and and this is one of those industries (like nuclear energy or airplane manufacturing) where you really don't want things to go wrong. Considering that my entire job exists to help keep the drug supply safe\footnote{Well, the \textit{legal} drug supply anyway.} that statement may sound frightening or even disturbing. But it's not really. You \textit{want} this job to be boring. When it's not boring, it's generally because something has gone wrong, and and this is one of those industries (like nuclear energy or air traffic control) where you really \textit{don't} want things to go wrong.
Part A, continued The irony is that I took this job because I \textit{knew} it would be boring. My last job had been so nerve wracking that mentally I was completely spent by the time I got home and creating anything at that point was damn difficult if not impossible. I figured that if I had a job that was boring where creativity was not encouraged (that is, we have a procedure, so just stick to the procedure) I could store my creative juices during the day the and use them during the evening to create things.
The irony is that I took this job because I knew it would be boring. Mmy last job had been so nerve wracking that mentally I was just completely shot by the time I got home and creating something anything was a damn difficult thing. I figured that if I had a job that was boring where creativity was not encourage (that is we have a procedure, so just stick to the procedure) I could store my creative juices during the day the and use them during the evening to create things. As it turns out creativity doesn't exactly work this way.
As it turns out things don't exactly work that way. You can't store up creativity during the day and then use it all up in the evening. That's not how creativity works. What happens instead is that your creative juices just dissipate throughout the day and when your day is over you're just empty—a dried up husk that could be blown away by the lightest breeze.
You can't store up creativity during the day and then use a great big gush of it in the evening. That's not how creativity works. What happens instead is that your creative juices just dissipate throughout the day and when your day is over you're just empty—a dried up husk that could be blown away by the lightest breeze. One of the things that attracted me to teaching was that I got to be creative all day. What I forgot about teaching is that when I got home I was still charged up creatively. I hadn't used up all my creativity. I had multiplied it.
Because I used to be a teacher I'm always looking for metaphors that will adequately convey the meaning or understanding of a particular situation. I guess the correct metaphor here is the standing in line and holding all your pee metaphor. This seems apt because in real life the minute you make it to a restroom you let it go all at once and you are pretty much relieved to be done with it and don't wanna go back. That bathroom hasn't been cleaned in days anyway. Ages ago I saw an interview you with the father of a very large family (which had grown mostly through adoption) and the reporter asked him how he divided his love among so many kids. His answer was brief and to the point: love is not something you divide he said, it's something you multiply.
Yeah that's not the model for creativity I'm looking for. Creativity is the same way. You can't save up creativity so you can use it later. Creativity is something that cannot be divided. It must be multiplied.
I remember the that ages ago I saw an interview you with the father of a very large family (which had grown mostly through adoption) and the reporter asked him how he divided his love amongst so many kids. His answer was brief and to the point: love is not something you divide he said, it's something you multiply. I've since come to view creativity like a river—it has to move to do anything. It can move boulders and it can sift the finest silt. It can carve a valley through a plain or it can split mountains. It can nurse the communities around it and it can serve as a way for them to get from one place to another.
That is the model I'm looking for when it comes to creativity. You can't save up creativity so you can use it later. Creativity is something that cannot be divided. It must be multiplied. Dam a river and it does not become a lake, it becomes a prisoner. It is not content with its lot. It constantly seeks to escape. And when it finds it, it will give some small warning but then it will completely and utterly destroy that dam.\footnote{See \kref{https://damfailures.org/case-study/teton-dam-idaho-1976/}{https://damfailures.org/case-study/teton-dam-idaho-1976/} for a good example of this.}
That leads me to this metaphor for creativity: creativity is like a river—it has to move to do anything. It can move boulders and it can sift the finest silt. It can carve a valley through a plain or it can split mountains. It can nurse the communities around it and it can serve as a way for them to get from one place to another. That's what I've been doing with my creativity. I've trying to dam it up during the day and then release it in the evening. But it doesn't work that way. You can't hold back creativity. You can't divide it up, hour by hour. You can't parse it out drop by drop. Using your creativity doesn't mean that you use it up. Rather, creativity, like love, can only be multiplied. Creativity just leads to more creativity. It's not a zero-sum game.\footnote{\kref I wish people would realize that our economy—which is not a natural thing, but a thing completely invented by humans—does not have to be a zero-sum game. Just because somebody else gets something they need does not automatically means that I get less of what I need.}
Dam a river and it does not become a lake, it becomes a prisoner. It is not content with its lot. It constantly seeks to escape. And when it finds it, it will give some small warning but then it will completely and utterly destroy that dam. That means it's definitely time for a different job.
And yeah that's what I've been doing with my creativity. I've been holding it in like a full bladder in a long line. I've dammed it up like a river in the desert. I get to the end of the day and look to release it but there's no point. It's gone and I'm left high and dry.
Lesson learned. You can't hold back creativity. You can't divide it up, hour by hour. You can't parse it out drop by drop.
Creativity, like love, can only be smothered or multiplied.
It's time for me to start multiplying.
\section{Tomorrow} \section{Tomorrow}
Given all that I need to find myself in a place I was back when I was a kid—as a writer and a teacher. Given all that, I need to find myself in a place I was back when I was a kid—as a writer and a teacher.
Those are the two things I have always been. I don't mean those two trajectories revealed themselves to me when I was in college. I mean that I knew these thing when I was eight or nine years old. Those are the two things I have always been. I don't mean those two trajectories revealed themselves to me when I was in college. I mean that I knew these thing when I was eight or nine years old.