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Kenneth John Odle 2025-04-02 17:07:24 -04:00
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funny-venn-diagrams-zine.tex
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@ -15,6 +15,7 @@
\usepackage[bottom]{footmisc} % Keep the footnotes at the bottom of the page
\usepackage{microtype} % Make things neater.
\usepackage{nicefrac}
\usepackage{ninecolors}
%\usepackage{tabularray} % Easy tables
@ -255,12 +256,82 @@ Some of the people who see this will get this. Some of them will not. Choose you
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}I have been told (by people who know cats better than I do) that the reason cats want the bowl refilled when it's still half full is that they don't like their whiskers touching the sides of the bowl when they have to reach further down into it to get to the bottom. The solution is to get a wide, shallow bowl and use that to feed the cat. The cat, of course, will hate the new bowl and will refuse to eat out of it regardless of how full it is.
\section{Somehow We Ended Up Here:}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\setlength{\fboxsep}{5mm}
\fbox{
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-3,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (3,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (-3.85,0) {Apocalypse};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (0,0) {You Are Here};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (3.85,0) {Having to Go to Work};
\end{tikzpicture}
}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\paragraph{Boss:} Why were you late?
\paragraph{Me:} A lake of fire swallowed the freeway.
\paragraph{Boss:} Why didn't you consider how your lateness would affect the rest of the team?
\section{My Freshman Year of College}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.8}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-4,0) circle (5.0);
\draw (1.5,0) circle (1.0);
\node[align=center, text width=40mm, scale=3.0] at (-4,0) {What I\\Brought\\With Me};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=0.8] at (1.73,0) {What I Actually Needed};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}All I can say is that all the movies I watched about people in college did a utterly \textit{terrible} job of teaching me what college would be like, or what I would actually need.
Much of what you need for college is intangible: things like organizational skills, money-management skills,\footnote{Which should be easy since you have so little of it, but as it turns out money management becomes more difficult the less money you have.} and the ability to adapt to rapidly changing situations. Just about anybody will lend you a pencil or pen or a jacket.
And remember, a really good roommate will share their care package with you. A really \textit{great} roommate has a mom who sends your roommate a care package, but also sends you a care package. (Thank you, Mrs. Washington, wherever you are.)
\section{The Ideal Job}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.9}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -0.5) {Does Not Exist};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.75) {What I Love To Do};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {What I'm Good At};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {What Pays Well};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Happy but Broke};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Just a Dream};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Not Broke, Just Bored};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
When I was young, people used to tell me ``Do what you love and the money will follow.'' \textit{This is a lie.} Unless, of course, what they actually meant was ``Do what you love and the money will follow, there just won't be a lot of it.''
The book called \textit{What Color is Your Parachute?} purports to help you find your perfect job.\footnote{It's been around since 1970, so it's either really effective, or there's a sucker born every minute.} It's main suggestion is to network, which is exactly what introverted people want to hear. What color is my parachute? It's whatever color you get when you mix blood with sweat and tears. So…pink, maybe?
\section{Pancakes!}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\scalebox{0.5}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
@ -277,65 +348,11 @@ Some of the people who see this will get this. Some of them will not. Choose you
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\paragraph{My friend Jack's pancake recipe:} Measure 1 \nicefrac{1}{4} cups of flour into a bowl and add 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and, if you want, 1 teaspoon (or thereabouts) of cinnamon, and mix well. In another bowl, combine 1 egg, 1 \nicefrac{1}{2} tablespoons of oil, and 1 cup of milk and mix well.
\paragraph{My friend Jack's pancake recipe:} Measure 1\nicefrac{1}{4} cups of flour into a bowl and add 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and, if you want, 1 teaspoon (or thereabouts) of cinnamon, and mix well. In another bowl, combine 1 egg, 1\nicefrac{1}{2} tablespoons of oil, and 1 cup of milk and mix well.
Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if necessary, in order to form a thin batter. Heat a griddle and grease it well. Pour small amounts of batter onto the griddle and cook until bubbles appear and then burst and the surface appears dry. Flip and cook until done.
\section{Somehow We Ended Up Here:}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\setlength{\fboxsep}{5mm}
\fbox{
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-3,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (3,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (-3.85,0) {Apocalypse};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (0,0) {You Are Here};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (3.85,0) {Having to Go to Work};
\end{tikzpicture}
}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\section{My Freshman Year of College}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-4,0) circle (5.0);
\draw (1.5,0) circle (1.0);
\node[align=center, text width=40mm, scale=3.0] at (-4,0) {What I\\Brought\\With Me};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=0.8] at (1.73,0) {What I Actually Needed};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\section{The Ideal Job}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -0.5) {Does Not Exist};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.75) {What I Love To Do};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {What I'm Good At};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {What Pays Well};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Happy but Broke};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Just a Dream};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Not Broke, Just Bored};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\section{Starting a Fight}
\begin{center}
@ -417,7 +434,7 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\ttfamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}[decoration={snake, amplitude=1.0mm, segment length=2mm}]
\draw (-4,0)[] circle (5.5);
\draw (-0.75,-1.0)[decorate] circle (1.2);
@ -428,6 +445,27 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}I suppose size \textit{does} matter, since the scale of this makes it seem like there are a large number of things that turn me. There are not. There are probably only three or four things that turn me on.
And honestly, the the only \textcolor{gray1}{one} \textcolor{gray2}{I} \textcolor{gray3}{will ad}\textcolor{gray4}{mi}\textcolor{gray5}{t} \textcolor{gray6}{t}\textcolor{gray7}{o} \textcolor{gray8}{i}\textcolor{gray9}{s}
Oh, poop. Out of ink. Anyway, here's a more properly scaled version of this Venn diagram:
\bigskip
\ttfamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.1}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}[decoration={snake, amplitude=1.0mm, segment length=2mm}]
\draw (-4,0)[] circle (5.5);
\draw (-0.75,-1.0)[decorate] circle (1.2);
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=3.0, rotate=10] at (-5.3,1) {Things That Turn Me On};
\node[align=center, text width=22mm, scale=0.8, rotate=-10] at (-0.75,-0.99) {Things That I Will Admit Turn Me On};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\section{Finding a Place to Live}
@ -446,12 +484,20 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}And let's not forgot that a lot of the ``Places I Can Afford to Live'' are in need of repair or come with a few dozen roommates. In more civilized times, we called them ``cockroaches''.
I can't help but blame companies like Airbnb for this. It started out as ``You got a spare room? Rent it out to a visitor for a few days and you get extra cash and they get a decent place to stay while visiting your city.'' It quickly devolved into ``I'm going to buy up every available living space I can get my bony fingers on and rent them out short term'' which led to massive rent increases, severe housing shortages, and party-dudes treating the apartment next door like a cheap, rent-by-the-hour hotel.
The same thing happened with ride sharing apps. What started out as ``Hey, you're already going downtown, why not pick someone up and make a few bucks'' turned into ``We're here to destroy taxis, public transportation, and unions, while exploiting the labor of those who are easily exploitable.''
Ah yes, good times, good times.
\section{Dogs, Kids, Dads}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
@ -485,11 +531,13 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}I do believe, though, that I will have plenty of company.
\section{Dinner Choices}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
@ -505,6 +553,12 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\paragraph{Rationale:} If you are both drunk and broke, cold leftover pizza is a good choice because you don't have to heat it up, and you can probably scrounge some from friends or from ``pizza Friday'' at work.
If you are broke and depressed, tuna casserole is a good choice because depression means that you need comfort food (hence, a casserole), and the ingredients are fairly cheap: noodles (or macaroni; we don't judge you for that), a can of cream-of-whatever soup, a can of tuna. Boil the noodles, drain (reserving some of the pasta water), add the soup, add the tuna (you can drain it if you want, but you don't need to), and mix well. Add a bit of the pasta water if it needs to be thinner. If you can swing a slice or two of American cheese, don't hesitate to add it in. All of the main ingredients can be had for very little money and have a fairly long shelf life, and so can be bought when you are flush (and eaten when you're skint) or gotten from a food bank.
If you are drunk and depressed, you still need comfort food, and what is more comforting than beans on toast? Plus, the beans and the toast are both fairly starchy foods and will (hopefully) help you avoid too much of a hangover.
\section{Bank Robbers vs DJs vs Preachers vs Your Mom Taking Off Your Sweater}
@ -534,6 +588,10 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\bigskip
\noindent{}But honestly, if you put all four of these people in the same room together, who do you think would come out the clear winner?
\section{College Students}
@ -549,13 +607,17 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {A Social Life};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {Good Grades};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Slacker};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Nerds};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Nerd};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Zombie};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}This Venn diagram illustrates ``The Rule of Three'' which states that when there are three options, you can generally have two of them. This also works when you consider something like food or auto repairs, where the three options are good, fast, and cheap. Something that is good and fast will not be cheap, something that is fast and cheap will not be good, and something that is good and cheap will not be fast. I'm not sure why this is true, but it probably has somethign to do with the laws of thermodynamics. Or it could just be a failure of capitalism. Who knows?
Also, guess which one of these I was in college.
\section{Job Hunting}
@ -588,11 +650,14 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=2.0] at (7.0,0) {Having a Baby};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (-3.85,0) {Food Trucks};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (4.0,0) {Toy Trucks};
\node[align=center, text width=50mm, scale=0.8] at (0,0) {\itshape Not much sleep\\\medskip Occassional vomit\\\medskip Going to the toilet is difficult\\\medskip The same music over and over\\\medskip Have to find the right formula Losing a few single friends\\\medskip Quite expensive once you buy everything\\\medskip Lot of time walking around outside singing songs};
\node[align=center, text width=50mm, scale=0.8] at (0,0) {\itshape Not much sleep\\\medskip Occassional vomit\\\medskip Going to the toilet alone is difficult\\\medskip The same music over and over\\\medskip Have to find the right formula Losing a few single friends\\\medskip Quite expensive once you buy everything\\\medskip Lot of time walking around outside singing songs};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\medskip
\noindent{}I used to be Team Music Festival. Then I was Team Let's Have a Baby. Now I'm just Team Let's Stay at Home, Close the Curtains, and Read.
\section{Emotions}
@ -606,15 +671,25 @@ Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -2.5) {Instant Rage};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (4.0, 0) {Prolonged Suffering};
\node[align=right, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-5, 1) {Looking at Social Media};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.8,1) -- (0,0);
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.7,1) -- (0,0);
\node[align=left, text width=30mm, scale=1.2] at (5.0, 3.5) {Eating Too Much Mexican Food};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (4.75,3.0) -- (1.6,1.0);
\node[align=left, text width=30mm, scale=1.2] at (5.0, -3.5) {Stubbing Your Toe};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (4.75,-3.0) -- (1.6,-1.0);
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (4.75,-3.3) -- (1.6,-1.0);
\node[align=right, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-5, -2.5) {Family Reunions};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.8,-2.5) -- (1.2,0);
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.7,-2.5) -- (1.2,0);
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
``Manage your emotions'' they say. So I did. I now:
\begin{itemize}
\item Avoid family reunions.
\item Avoid social media.
\item Have wrapped all the lower bits of my furniture with bubble wrap.
\end{itemize}
I am still trying to learn how to eat the appropriate amount of Mexican good. At some point, my taste buds and my stomach will need to sit down at the table and hammer out their version of an armistice.\footnote{I was going to say ``their version of the Treaty of Versailles, but we all know how that one turned out, don't we?}
\end{document}