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funny-venn-diagrams-zine/funny-venn-diagrams-zine.tex
Kenneth Odle b95e55d842 Updated headers
2025-04-03 14:19:21 -04:00

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\documentclass[twoside]{article}
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%% Packages %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage[utf8]{inputenc}
%\usepackage{tgbonum}
%\usepackage{graphicx}
\usepackage{float}
\raggedbottom
%\usepackage{array}
%\usepackage{wrapfig} % Let's wrap some images
%\usepackage{enumitem} % Control spacing in lists
%\usepackage{setspace} % Better control over line-spacing
%\usepackage{nicefrac} % Use nice fractions
\usepackage[bottom]{footmisc} % Keep the footnotes at the bottom of the page
\usepackage{microtype} % Make things neater.
\usepackage{nicefrac}
\usepackage{ninecolors}
%\usepackage{tabularray} % Easy tables
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%% Commands %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%\graphicspath{{images/}} % Where are our images?
%\usepackage{multicol} % Include two- or three-column sections
%\counterwithout{footnote}{chapter} % Stop resetting the footnote count after each chapter
%\NumTabs{18} % Define 18 tab stops (at 1/4" intervals) [tabto package]
\raggedbottom % Don't force text to fill page
%\setlength{\belowcaptionskip}{4pt} % Adjust space between caption and figure
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%% Document Setup %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage{geometry}
\geometry{
paperheight=8.5in,
paperwidth=5.5in,
% heightrounded,
margin=0.5in
}
\addtolength{\topmargin}{0.4in} % Adjust and bottom margin
\addtolength{\textheight}{-0.75in} % Adjust the bottom margin
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%% Fonts %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage[T1]{fontenc}
%\usepackage[nott]{kpfonts}
%\usepackage{fourier}
\usepackage{lmodern}
\usepackage[defaultsans]{Cantarell} % sans-serif font; https://tug.org/FontCatalogue/firasansregular
\DeclareRobustCommand{\augiefamily}{% https://tex.stackexchange.com/questions/248464/installing-emerald-fonts-texlive-wont-find-font-files
\fontfamily{augie}\fontseries{m}\fontshape{n}\selectfont}
\DeclareTextFontCommand{\textaugie}{\augiefamily}
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%% Page Header s%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage{fancyhdr}
\pagestyle{fancy}
\fancyhf{}
\fancyhead[CE]{A Collection of Humorous and Amusing Venn Diagrams}
\fancyhead[CO]{For Your Perusal and Edification (and to color and enjoy!)}
\cfoot{\thepage}
\renewcommand{\footrulewidth}{0.5pt}
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%% Table of Contents %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage[]{tocloft}
\cftsetindents{section}{0em}{2em}
\cftsetindents{subsection}{0em}{2em}
\renewcommand\cfttoctitlefont{\itshape\large\mdseries}
\renewcommand\cftaftertoctitle{\hfill\mbox{}}
\renewcommand{\cftsecdotsep}{\cftdotsep}
\renewcommand{\cftsecfont}{\normalfont}
\renewcommand{\cftsecpagefont}{\normalfont}
\setlength{\cftbeforesecskip}{3pt}
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\usepackage[raggedright]{titlesec}
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{\normalfont\fontsize{12}{16}\itshape}{\thesection.}{1em}{}
%\titlelabel{\thetitle. \quad}
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%% Custom Macros %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% Add an \hrule with space above and below
\newcommand\krule[2]{\vspace{#1}\hrule\vspace{#2}}
% Make hrefs easier (must load package hyperref}
\newcommand\kref[2]{\href{#1}{{\texttt{#2}}}}
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%% Let's draw circles! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\usepackage{tikz}
\usetikzlibrary{
decorations,
decorations.text,
decorations.pathmorphing,
arrows.meta,
}
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%% Include URLS %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% Be sure to load this package last
% [hidelinks option to hide big red box. Thanks /u/0b0101011001001011
\usepackage[hidelinks]{hyperref} % Inlcude URLs, but load this package last
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%% Document Information %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\title{
A collection of humorous and amusing \\
\vspace{10mm}
{\fontsize{58}{90}\selectfont Venn Diagrams} \\
\vspace{8mm}
{\Large For Your Perusal and Edification} \\
\vspace{15mm}
\begin{normalsize} And also to \end{normalsize} \\
{\Large Color and Enjoy} \\
\bigskip
{\footnotesize{Typeset in \LaTeX{}}} \\
\bigskip
{\small Collected, Collated, and Redrawn by Kenneth John Odle} \\
\medskip
{{\footnotesize Edition the First}} \\
{{\normalsize 2025}}
}
\date{}
\author{}
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%% Let's get it started %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
\begin{document}
\maketitle
\thispagestyle{empty}
\newpage
\pagestyle{fancy}
\section*{Introduction}
All contents \copyright2025 Kenneth John Odle
I've always loved Venn diagrams, ever since learning about them in school. Their major purpose (once you leave school, that is) seems to be the delivery of entertainment, hence the very large folder on my laptop labeled ``Funny Venn diagrams''.
My main purpose in creating this zine was just to bring you, the people, a little bit of humor and insight into modern life. A secondary purpose was to learn more about using \texttt{tikz} in \LaTeX{} and this seemed like a perfect opportunity. If you use \LaTeX{} or would like to learn more about the code behind this zine, I have been tracking this project using Git and pushing them to my online git repositories here:
\begin{itemize}
\item \kref{https://git.kjodle.net/kjodle/funny-venn-diagrams-zine}{https://git.kjodle.net/kjodle/funny-venn-diagrams-zine}
\item \kref{https://git.kjodle.net/kjodle/funny-venn-diagrams-zine}{https://git.kjodle.net/kjodle/funny-venn-diagrams-zine}
\end{itemize}
I would liked to have done these in color, but the cost of color printing is extremely prohibitive. Hence, this is not just a collection of more-or-less funny Venn diagrams, it is also a coloring book. Feel free to whip out those coloring pencils and fill in the spaces! If you'd like to share your creations, I'm on Mastodon at \texttt{@kjodle} and on Bluesky at \texttt{@iswpw.bsky.social}.
I also wanted this to be more than just a collection of Venn diagrams, so I did include some other things, like Jack's pancake recipe (there is a very sad story behind Jack that I just can't tell right now) and my thoughts on jobs, the current landscape, etc. Enjoy!
I love feedback. You can send it to me via social media at the two accounts listed above.
\newpage
\tableofcontents
\section{What Is a Venn Diagram?}
\vspace{10mm}
\scshape
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.8}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw [postaction={decorate, decoration={text along path, raise=8pt, text color=blue, text align={align=right, right indent=19mm}, text={|\LARGE\sffamily|Venn Diagram of Venn Diagrams||}, reverse path, }}] (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, -0.5) {Venn Digrams};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.5) { Circles};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-3.8, -2.5) {Infor-\\mation};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (3.8, -2.5) {Things that Overlap};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Pie Charts};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.0, 0.8) {Pancakes!};
\node[align=center, text width=22mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.0) {Redundancies};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\upshape
\paragraph{Origins} Venn diagrams are named after John Venn (1835-1923), who described them in his book \textit{Symbolic Logic} (1881). You can read it on the Internet Archive at \kref{https://archive.org/details/symboliclogic00venniala/page/n5/mode/2up}{https://archive.org/details/symboliclogic00vennial\\a/page/n5/mode/2up}.
They are commonly used to teach elementary set theory,\footnote{That branch of mathematics that studies \textit{sets}—i.e., collections of objects.} and to illustrate simple set relationships in probability, logic, statistics, linguistics, and computer science. Although they typically use circles or ellipses drawn on a plane to represent sets, other closed curves are possible.
Also, Venn diagrams are very similar to Euler diagrams, and the public often confuses the two. As I am not a mathematics expert, I have reason to believe that some of these Venn diagrams are actually Euler diagrams. (\textit{Caveat emptor!}) Regardless, whether Venn or Euler, you can still have a lot of fun with them.
\section{What You Need to Make Venn Diagrams}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.5}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 0.5) {Venn Diagrams!};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, -3.5) {Pen or Pencil};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, 2.5) {Paper};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, 2.5) {A \\Compass};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.4] at (-2.4, -0.8) {Words};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.4] at (2.0, -0.8) {Circles};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 3.4) {Stabby Holes};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}In a charter school, this actually qualifies as a lesson plan.
\section{People Who Understand Venn Diagrams vs People Who Don't Understand Venn Diagrams}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\setlength{\fboxsep}{5mm}
\fbox{
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-3,0) circle (2.8);
\draw (3,0) circle (2.8);
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=1.5] at (-3,0) {People who understand Venn diagrams};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=1.5] at (3,0) {People who don't understand Venn diagrams};
\end{tikzpicture}
}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
Some of the people who see this will get this. Some of them will not. Choose your friends wisely.
\section{Somehow We Ended Up Here:}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\setlength{\fboxsep}{5mm}
\fbox{
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-3,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (3,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (-3.85,0) {Apocalypse};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (0,0) {You Are Here};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=2.5] at (3.85,0) {Having to Go to Work};
\end{tikzpicture}
}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\paragraph{Boss:} Why were you late?
\paragraph{Me:} A lake of fire swallowed the freeway.
\paragraph{Boss:} Why didn't you consider how your lateness would affect the rest of the team?
\bigskip
\noindent{}I am honestly waiting to hear this advertisement while listening to a podcast:
\paragraph{Podcaster:} I can't believe our country is slipping into fascism. We're about to enter into civil war. Nothing makes people hungrier than fascism and civil war. I know when I'm in a civil war, I get hungry. That's why Blue Apron…''
\bigskip
\noindent{}We live in a capitalist society. It's only a matter of time.
\section{Cats}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\setlength{\fboxsep}{10mm}
\fbox{
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-3,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (3,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=2.5] at (-3.85,0) {Being a soft cuddly baby};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (0,0) {Cats};
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=2.5] at (3.85,0) {Being an asshole};
\end{tikzpicture}
}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\section{Cats vs Inkjet Printers}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-1.5,0) circle (4);
\draw (1.5,0) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=2.0] at (-6.7,0) {Cats};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=2.0] at (7.0,0) {Inkjet Printers};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (-3.85,0) {Output is brown};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (4.0,0) {Output is multicolored};
\node[align=center, text width=35mm, scale=1.2] at (0,0) {\itshape Moody\\\medskip Spend a lot of time self-cleaning\\\medskip Demand feeding when container is full\\\medskip Ignore requests\\\medskip Unreliable};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}I have been told (by people who know cats better than I do) that the reason cats want the bowl refilled when it's still half full is that they don't like their whiskers touching the sides of the bowl when they have to reach further down into it to get to the bottom. The solution is to get a wide, shallow bowl and use that to feed the cat. The cat, of course, will hate the new bowl and will refuse to eat out of it regardless of how full it is.
\section{My Freshman Year of College}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.8}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-4,0) circle (5.0);
\draw (1.5,0) circle (1.0);
\node[align=center, text width=40mm, scale=3.0] at (-4,0) {What I\\Brought\\With Me};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=0.8] at (1.73,0) {What I Actually Needed};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}All I can say is that all the movies I watched about people in college did an utterly \textit{terrible} job of teaching me what college would be like, or what I would actually need.
Much of what you need for college is intangible: things like organizational skills, money-management skills,\footnote{Which should be easy since you have so little of it, but as it turns out money management becomes more difficult the less money you have.} and the ability to adapt to rapidly changing situations. Just about anybody will lend you a pencil or pen or a jacket.
And remember, a really good roommate will share their care package with you. A really \textit{great} roommate has a mom who sends your roommate a care package, but also sends you a care package. (Thank you, Mrs. Washington, wherever you are. Your cookies were amazing!)
\section{The Ideal Job}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.9}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -0.5) {Does Not Exist};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.75) {What I Love To Do};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {What I'm Good At};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {What Pays Well};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Happy but Broke};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Just a Dream};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Not Broke, Just Bored};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
When I was young, people used to tell me ``Do what you love and the money will follow.'' \textit{This is a lie.} Unless, of course, what they actually meant was ``Do what you love and the money will follow, there just won't be a lot of it.''
The book called \textit{What Color is Your Parachute?} purports to help you find your perfect job.\footnote{It's been around since 1970, so it's either really effective, or there's a sucker born every minute.} It's main suggestion is to network, which is exactly what introverted people want to hear. What color is my parachute? It's whatever color you get when you mix blood with sweat and tears. So…pink, maybe?
\section{Pancakes!}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, 0.5) {Pancakes!};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, -3.5) {Milk};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, 2.5) {Flour};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, 2.5) {Eggs};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.4] at (-2.4, -0.8) {Batter};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.4] at (2.0, -0.8) {Omelettes};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 3.4) {Pasta};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\paragraph{My friend Jack's pancake recipe:} Measure 1\nicefrac{1}{4} cups of flour into a bowl and add 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and, if you want, 1 teaspoon (or thereabouts) of cinnamon, and mix well. In another bowl, combine 1 egg, 1\nicefrac{1}{2} tablespoons of oil, and 1 cup of milk and mix well.
Add the liquid mixture to the dry mixture and stir to combine. Add more milk if necessary, in order to form a thin batter. Heat a griddle and grease it well. Pour small amounts of batter onto the griddle and cook until bubbles appear and then burst and the surface appears dry. Flip and cook until done.
\section{Starting a Fight}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, 0.5) {\textbf{``Hey Buddy!''}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.4] at (0, -3.7) {Starting a Fight};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.4] at (-3.9, 2.5) {Petting a Dog};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.4] at (3.9, 2.5) {Consoling a Child};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (-2.4, -0.8) {``Do you want to go outside?''};
\node[align=center, text width=21mm, scale=1.0] at (2.5, -0.9) {``Do you want to call your mommy?''};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 3.4) {\textit{shushing sounds}};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\section{I'm Going to Sit on Your Lap}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-2.5,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (2.5,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=2.5] at (-3.85,0) {Cats};
\node[align=center, text width=22mm, scale=0.9] at (0,0) {I'm going to sit on your lap, but you can't touch me};
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=2.5] at (4.0,0) {Strippers};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\section{Bank Robbers vs DJs vs Preachers}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 0.5) {\textit{``Put your hands up!''}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, -3.5) {Preachers};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, 2.5) {Bank Robbers};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, 2.5) {DJs};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, -0.8) {\textit{``Give me your money!''}};
\node[align=center, text width=17mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, -0.8) {\textit{``Are you with me?''}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, 3.4) {\textit{``Everybody on the floor!''}};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\section{What Turns Me On}
\ttfamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}[decoration={snake, amplitude=1.0mm, segment length=2mm}]
\draw (-4,0)[] circle (5.5);
\draw (-0.75,-1.0)[decorate] circle (1.2);
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=3.0, rotate=10] at (-5.3,1) {Things That Turn Me On};
\node[align=center, text width=22mm, scale=0.8, rotate=-10] at (-0.75,-0.99) {Things That I Will Admit Turn Me On};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}I suppose size \textit{does} matter, since the scale of this makes it seem like there are a large number of things that turn me. There are not. There are probably only three or four things that turn me on.
And honestly, the the only \textcolor{gray1}{one} \textcolor{gray2}{I} \textcolor{gray3}{will ad}\textcolor{gray4}{mi}\textcolor{gray5}{t} \textcolor{gray6}{t}\textcolor{gray7}{o} \textcolor{gray8}{i}\textcolor{gray9}{s}
Oh, poop. Out of ink. Anyway, here's a more properly scaled version of this Venn diagram:
\bigskip
\ttfamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.1}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}[decoration={snake, amplitude=1.0mm, segment length=2mm}]
\draw (-4,0)[] circle (5.5);
\draw (-0.75,-1.0)[decorate] circle (1.2);
\node[align=center, text width=25mm, scale=3.0, rotate=10] at (-5.3,1) {Things That Turn Me On};
\node[align=center, text width=22mm, scale=0.8, rotate=-10] at (-0.75,-0.99) {Things That I Will Admit Turn Me On};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}At this point, I just want a nap.
\section{Finding a Place to Live}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{1.0}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,3.0) circle (2) ;
\draw (1.75,0) circle (2);
\draw (-1.75,0) circle (2);
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=1.0] at (0,3.0) {Places I Would Like to Live};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=1.0] at (-1.875,0) {Places I Can Afford to Live};
\node[align=center, text width=30mm, scale=1.0] at (1.875,0) {Places There Are Actually Houses Available};
\node[align=left, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (4,3) {Nope};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (2.95,3) -- (0.1,1.05);
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}And let's not forgot that a lot of the ``Places I Can Afford to Live'' are in need of repair or come with a few dozen roommates. In more civilized times, we called them ``cockroaches''.
I can't help but blame companies like Airbnb for this. It started out as ``You got a spare room? Rent it out to a visitor for a few days and you get extra cash and they get a decent place to stay while visiting your city.'' It quickly devolved into ``I'm going to buy up every available living space I can get my bony fingers on and rent them out short term'' which led to massive rent increases, severe housing shortages, and party-dudes treating the apartment next door like a cheap, rent-by-the-hour hotel.
The same thing happened with ride sharing apps. What started out as ``Hey, you're already going downtown, why not pick someone up and make a few bucks'' turned into ``We're here to destroy taxis, public transportation, and unions, while exploiting the labor of those who are easily exploitable.''
Ah yes, good times, good times.
\section{Dogs, Kids, Dads}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,-2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (0, 0.5) {Hoping for hot dogs for dinner};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, -3.5) {Dads};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, 2.5) {Dogs};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, 2.5) {Kids};
\node[align=center, text width=18mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, -0.8) {Falling asleep on the sofa};
\node[align=center, text width=18mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, -0.8) {Laughing at fart jokes};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, 3.4) {Eating food off the floor};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\section{Why I'm Going to Hell}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.8}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-0.6,0) circle (4.0);
\draw (0.6,0) circle (4.0);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (-5.5,2.5) {Things You Shouldn't Joke About};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=5.0] at (0,0) {\sffamily ME};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.0] at (5.5,-2.5) {Things I Find Funny};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-5.5,1.8) -- (-4.0,0);
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (5.5,-1.8) -- (4.0,0);
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}I do believe, though, that I will have plenty of company.
\section{Dinner Choices}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.65}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -0.5) {Ramen noodles};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.75) { Broke};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {Drunk};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {Depressed};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Cold leftover pizza};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (2.3, 0.7) {Tuna casserole};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Beans on toast};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\paragraph{Rationale:} If you are both drunk and broke, cold leftover pizza is a good choice because you don't have to heat it up, and you can probably scrounge some from friends or from ``pizza Friday'' at work.
If you are broke and depressed, tuna casserole is a good choice because depression means that you need comfort food (hence, a casserole), and the ingredients are fairly cheap: noodles (or macaroni; we don't judge you for that), a can of cream-of-whatever soup, a can of tuna. Boil the noodles, drain (reserving some of the pasta water), add the soup, add the tuna (you can drain it if you want, but you don't need to), and mix well. Add a bit of the pasta water if it needs to be thinner. If you can swing a slice or two of American cheese, don't hesitate to add it in. All of the main ingredients can be had for very little money and have a fairly long shelf life, and so can be bought when you are flush (and eaten when you're skint) or gotten from a food bank.
If you are drunk and depressed, you still need comfort food, and what is more comforting than beans on toast? Plus, the beans and the toast are both fairly starchy foods and will (hopefully) help you avoid too much of a hangover.
\section{Bank Robbers vs DJs vs Preachers vs Your Mom Taking Off Your Sweater}
\sffamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.9}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (0,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,0) circle (4);
\draw (2,0) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0,0) {Put your hands in the air};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (4.8,0) {\textbf{Mom \\taking off your sweater}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-4.8,0) {\textbf{DJs}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0,4.8) {\textbf{Bank Robbers}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0,-4.8) {\textbf{Preachers}};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.6] at (0,2.5) {You know what to do};
\node[align=center, text width=23mm, scale=0.6] at (0,-2.5) {I know you're better than this};
\node[align=center, text width=18mm, scale=0.6] at (2.7,0) {Listen to me, buster};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.6] at (-2.7,0) {Give everything you got};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.9] at (-2.7,2.5) {Everyone on the floor!};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.9] at (2.7,2.5) {I'm not asking twice!};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.9] at (-2.7,-2.5) {Are you with me?};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=0.9] at (2.7,-2.5) {With God as my witness!};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\bigskip
\noindent{}But honestly, if you put all four of these people in the same room together, who do you think would come out the clear winner?
\section{College Students}
\augiefamily
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.7}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2) circle (4) ;
\draw (2,-2) circle (4);
\draw (-2,-2) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -0.5) {Impossible};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 3.75) {Plenty of Sleep};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-4, -2.5) {A Social Life};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (4, -2.5) {Good Grades};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (-2.4, 0.8) {Slacker};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.2] at (2.4, 0.8) {Nerd};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (0, -3.25) {Zombie};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\rmfamily
\noindent{}This Venn diagram illustrates ``The Rule of Three'' which states that when there are three options, you can generally have two of them. This also works when you consider something like food or auto repairs, where the three options are good, fast, and cheap. Something that is good and fast will not be cheap, something that is fast and cheap will not be good, and something that is good and cheap will not be fast. I'm not sure why this is true, but it probably has somethign to do with the laws of thermodynamics. Or it could just be a failure of capitalism. Who knows?
Also, guess which one of these I was in college.
\section{Job Hunting}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (0,2.3) circle (3.5) ;
\draw (3.55,-2.8) circle (3.5);
\draw (-3.55,-2.8) circle (3.5);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (0, 2.3) {Qualified};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (-3.55, -3) {Currently Hiring};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=2.0] at (3.55, -3) {Relevant Field};
\node[align=center, text width=10mm, scale=1.4] at (-5.5, 2.7) {Low Wages};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.4] at (5.5, 2.7) {Too Many Applicants};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-5.4,2.1) -- (-1.7,-0.3);
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (5.4,2.1) -- (1.7,-0.3);
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\section{Going to a Music Festival vs Having a Baby}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.6}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (-1.4,0) circle (4);
\draw (1.4,0) circle (4);
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=2.0] at (-7.0,0) {Music Festival};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=2.0] at (7.0,0) {Having a Baby};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (-3.85,0) {Food Trucks};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.2] at (4.0,0) {Toy Trucks};
\node[align=center, text width=50mm, scale=0.8] at (0,0) {\itshape Not much sleep\\\medskip Occassional vomit\\\medskip Going to the toilet alone is difficult\\\medskip The same music over and over\\\medskip Have to find the right formula Losing a few single friends\\\medskip Quite expensive once you buy everything\\\medskip Lot of time walking around outside singing songs};
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\medskip
\noindent{}I used to be Team Music Festival. Then I was Team Let's Have a Baby. Now I'm just Team Let's Stay at Home, Close the Curtains, Pretend We're Not Home, and Read.
Silently, without speaking.
\section{Emotions}
\begin{center}
\scalebox{0.8}{ % begin scalebox
\begin{tikzpicture}
\draw (3.5,0) circle (2.5) ;
\draw (0,2) circle (2.5);
\draw (0,-2) circle (2.5);
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (0, 2.5) {Short-Lived Happiness};
\node[align=center, text width=15mm, scale=1.6] at (0, -2.5) {Instant Rage};
\node[align=center, text width=20mm, scale=1.6] at (4.0, 0) {Prolonged Suffering};
\node[align=right, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-5, 1) {Looking at Social Media};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.7,1) -- (0,0);
\node[align=left, text width=30mm, scale=1.2] at (5.0, 3.5) {Eating Too Much Mexican Food};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (4.75,3.0) -- (1.6,1.0);
\node[align=left, text width=30mm, scale=1.2] at (5.0, -3.5) {Stubbing Your Toe};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (4.75,-3.3) -- (1.6,-1.0);
\node[align=right, text width=20mm, scale=1.2] at (-5, -2.5) {Family Reunions};
\draw [-{Stealth[inset=4pt,length=12pt,angle'=45]}] (-3.7,-2.5) -- (1.2,0);
\end{tikzpicture}
} % end scalebox
\end{center}
\noindent{}``Manage your emotions'' they say. So I did. I now:
\begin{itemize}
\item Avoid family reunions.
\item Avoid social media.
\item Have wrapped all the lower bits of my furniture with bubble wrap.
\end{itemize}
I am still trying to learn how to eat the appropriate amount of Mexican good. At some point, my taste buds and my stomach will need to sit down at the table and hammer out their version of an armistice.\footnote{I was going to say ``their version of the Treaty of Versailles,'' but we all know how that one turned out, don't we?}
\end{document}
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